I don’t come on tumblr very much any more, I can no longer use it to kill time at work, which is shitty I guess but I suppose I’m supposed to be working not slacking off on tumblr.
Any way, I’ve come on here to moan and complain and generally be a downer.

I’ve had depression for ages, but being alone has left it sort of flat lining so it’s not been a real issue for me for ages. But recently I’ve started seeing a girl and it’s brought it all bubbling to the surface. Right now I’m really struggling with it, trying to mask it to friends is weighing me down and then when I’m alone it’s all I can focus on. I guess starting seeing this girl has really brought out my worst qualities, my insecurities and doubt about myself and it’s really crippling. Like right now I have no idea if she still likes me, it’s been weird since she’s busy with course work, which is fine I don’t want to come between her and her education. But the lack of contact with her makes me feel like she doesn’t actually care for me any more.

I guess that’s sort of the root of it all, not knowing if the girl still likes me, and it’s crushing. I’m spending every waking moment over analysing everything and getting bogged down in my own thoughts. I’ve not spoken to her about this, and I feel like given the opportunity I will, but I don’t know when that opportunity will be, and I don’t want to message her out of the blue with a whole “hey so I have depression and because I’ve started liking another human being it’s brought it all bubbling to the surface and is driving me insane” because that’s a bit much to drop on some one in a text. Hopefully I’ll see her at the weekend or before so I can talk to her about it and try and resolve these issues I’m having. But right now I’m just battling with myself.

I guess this has a lot to do with how mental issues are perceived today - I know the stigma is lifting and I feel more comfortable with people knowing about it, but I’ve never been the sort of person to talk about my feelings. That’s largely down to the whole “men don’t talk about there emotions” which isn’t great, but it also keeps my friendships simple and easy. If I can’t deal with my own mental state, how the fuck can I be expected to help some one else with theirs? But this also leaves you massively isolated when you start having real issues. This isn’t a cry for help by the way, so you don’t have to worry about me in that sense. I guess I just need places to vent where I don’t really know people. While I’m comfortable with people knowing, I’m not entirely comfortable with work colleagues and a large amount of my social media friends knowing. I use Twitter a lot and while I’ve got a bunch of super supportive people on there, I also have a lot of work colleagues, and I don’t really want to have people walking on egg shells around me or acting strange just because I’m having some issues.

I’m not really sure where I was going with this, I just feel like I needed to write it down. Writing thoughts down seems to give me a clarity for a moment, so it’s like climbing on to a log while being swept down a river. Any way…. Yeah… I’m having a shitty time right now, fighting against myself which hasn’t happened for a while. I’m not hunting for validation or anything, just sort of clearing my head of these thoughts.

first time back on tumblr in ages, and I’ve got a scam message. yay.